I write this on my way back to a not so sunny NJ after a great weekend in Baltimore, having just been thanked by Brendan for going to see him and that he loves me. It nearly made me cry, which as some of you know is a bloody difficult thing for me. Going down to Baltimore is becoming increasingly more and more attractive if I am totally honest, I feel able to be part of something, its natural, there's no need to make decisions life has to go on the rhythm beats a familiar pattern.
I have of late sought out tried to discover, even more so than previously, what it is that I seek in my life; what is it that I want to do that will give my life meaning and inspire me, challenge, change make afresh and ultimately fulfill what notions of life I developed? I know that people around me develop concerns when I seem unhappy sad or even at time despair and I know that these feelings are all too often unexpressed in any positive way. So I have of late tried to become more positive in my reactions to questioning my life and motivations, searching for life's opportunities to somehow fit my plans not the other way around!.
Then it hit me, quite unexpectedly through the medium of the theatre, the V word! I had been trying to hide away from it, telling myself that I'll get a girlfriend or something like that and then everything will be fine, that I can fulfill my heartfelt desires to serve those around me and be eventually settling down and finding a job and somewhere to live and being happy with that. And then I play a bloody priest in a play at school and my life over the space of 3 performances changes, it's like making scones and you realize that you've forgotten to put salt in the recipe so you have to add the salt and remix, whilst knowing that the over mixing can cause quite the change in the results.- not good.
